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I participated in the Area L1 Humorous Speech  contest on the peak of my busy month – October in 2010. I went with almost no preparation. September, October and November have been real busy months for me. There were lot of things at stake and still they are. Anyways, I am traveling in train back to Bangalore as you read this post. So, this post was pre-written than its usual time it was posted.

I did not win the contest but it was a pleasant experience. First of all, presenting my 50-member club felt so good. Secondly, competing with some toastmasters who were TMs for 5-7 years was a great experience. The learning I drew from the contest was immensely unique. Honestly speaking, I am bad at humorous category. So, this speech was really a contest for me: to challenge myself and attempt a humorous speech. Unfortunately, I am not able to get hold of the video recording but as soon as I get it, I will update this post. I am going to come stronger next time in the contest and hopefully be a better speaker than I am today.

Here is the script of the speech:

From ashrams to modern day schools and colleges, from obedient Rama to today’s Hrithik Roshan, from Kings to Khans, from Luv,Kush to Darsheel Safary, we, kids, have developed with India. But here is the catch 22: do we go to school only to study and be good?

Contest Chair, Esteemed Judges, Fellow Toastmasters and Guests, I, too went to school and that’s when I realized that: I know you might be thinking that I found my passion for computers and decided to become an IT professional but wait wait wait, that’s when I realized that I am a boy in true sense. You might think how? Well, in today’s world, genders are not decided by birth but by behaviors later. So, I realized I am a boy in true sense when I had my first crush on my lady teacher in Standard 5th.

From thereon, there was no stop. Shaher ki Ladki-Raveena Tandon to California Gurlz, Kate Perry disturbed my dreams until I landed up in Bangalore for my engineering. Dreams became true and I had my Kareena Kapoor. We all know “nothing come free in this world” but I never knew Girl-Friends come at a price just like a designer collection clothing line-up. Every weekend, instead of finishing my assignments, I had to wait outside to pick my girl up and in no time I had to run my hired bike, of course at the mercy of jealous yet friends, to go to places like Forum, Brigade Road, Dinners at Dominos: Poor chap going more and more poor every weekend. But here is the dilemma: Girl-Friends are like the menus of Leela Palace. No matter what you order to eat, you always tend to look at what others are eating. So, the moment I am in the Brigade Road, I see Katrina Kaif. All the three monkeys of Gandhiji desperately tried to empower me; don’t watch, don’t listen and don’t talk. Don’t watch because she was hotter and sexier than my girl, don’t listen because every time I opened my ears, she whispered:

Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don’t you???

And Don’t talk because as a human tendency to always have better things in life, I would break up. That’s when I realized Dating is like a Pandora box. But I am a guy, after all. The ears opened and I heard her say:

I know you like me. i know you do

Then the second monkey freed himself and my eyes became binocular trying to get her as close to me as possible. And finally, the third monkey. I said to my girl: hey you are too costly, if I have to afford sonata, then why not give it a try for Mercedes. Aakhir yeh aaram ka maamla hai. After all, it is a matter of comfort. At that moment I realized from where Christopher Nolan stole the idea of “Inception” and made millions of dollars. The very next weekend I am back at my best: Reebok glasses on, sporting Denim Jeans and a cool T-Shirt driving the Honda City trying to find my Mercedes on the roads of Brigade Road.

As time passed, reality chained the fun. I got enchained in marriage. Honeymoon period is awesome when it is a love marriage. I could always find her saying:

I know I’m on your mind, I know we’ll have a good time;

I’m your friend, I aint lying, Look at me, you aint blind

But do honeymoon lasts forever? Nopes. I am at Brigade Road again and the scene repeated itself. I saw a hot girl in the Westside showroom and she was my ex but this time I had my wife with me. The girl whispered into my ears:

See, I know she loves you, I understand

I’d probably be just as crazy about you If you were my own man

Poor Deepak can’t help this time. No matter how hard 2 monkeys act, the third monkey completely empowered me making me speechless and dump.

My world suddenly became dark with no slightest of hope. I closed my eyes to evade the nightmare but it got opened only to realize that my nightmare was just a dream. Ammmo!!! What a relief!!! I am still a bachelor. Next day morning, it was a Sunday and I put on my Reebok glasses, sport denim jeans and a cool T-Shirt and I am back on the streets of Brigade Road. And the scene repeats itself with a little change (pulls up a chair and sits on it). I am the only judge of the fashion contest where every other girl approaches me on the fashion ramp and says to me but loudly:

Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don’t you????

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